


Quietly, Inexplicably

by greenishio



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: (brief mention of), Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Developing Relationship, Drunk Sex, Fix-It, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Loki (Marvel) Lives, Love Confessions, M/M, for everyone, me poking at MCU's morality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-17 20:30:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18972400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenishio/pseuds/greenishio
Summary: ---IW and EG spoilers!---Loki survived the events of Infinity War and ended up settling on Earth with the remaining Asgardians. It made all the difference.(In other words, my stab at fixing Endgame the frostiron way.)





	Quietly, Inexplicably

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you to [Last_Sacrifice25](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Last_Sacrifice25/pseuds/Last_Sacrifice25) and [Róu-Rèn](https://rouren.tumblr.com/) for giving me feedback and correcting my mistakes. And as mentioned in the summary, in this story Loki is alive and present during the confrontation with Thanos in Endgame.

When Loki caught the silent exchange between Stark and Strange across the battlefield, he knew Stark was about to do something monumentally stupid.

Loki had heard enough of Stark’s drunken rants to piece together what the second-rated sorcerer had claimed - that there was only one outcome where they would win against Thanos. The sorcerer had also conveniently left out any detail on how that particular outcome could be achieved. Something about it had bothered Loki, and now the foreboding feeling only increased as the realization dawned on him as to what the price for winning was going to be.  
  
He shot forward without thinking.

He must have gone mad because Stark was decidedly _not_ someone worth risking his life for. Sure, Stark was amusing enough for a mortal and not wholly terrible in bed, and he had provided a nice distraction from the endless drudgery of managing New Asgard as well as the inane arguments with Thor for the past two years, but that was all he was - a distraction.  
  
Loki should stay where he was, a safe distance from Thanos, away from those hands that had crushed his neck and nearly ended his life… and yet he found himself racing toward their direction, toward the mortal who had taken the infinity stones without Thanos realizing it.  
  
Stark was going to kill himself to win this fight.

 _Foolish, foolish, foolish,_ Loki cursed silently as he weaved his way through swarms of Chitauri soldiers and snarling creatures.

He should be relieved that Thanos was finally going to die, but all he felt was cold dread. Somehow the idea of Stark’s death absolutely terrified him.  
  
Somehow through the idle chatters, through the little touches and warm smiles and those infuriating nicknames, Loki had started to care a little too much.  
  
His mind screamed at him to stop as he desperately tried to close the distance. The mortal was almost within reach.

Stark’s gaze flickered to Loki, and he hesitated ever so slightly before raising his gauntlet.

He snapped his fingers.

Thanos’s bestial howl sounded far away. Loki reached out to Stark who staggered under the impact of the stones’ energy crackling and climbing up his arm.

 _We will both die_ , Loki thought as he gripped Stark’s gauntlet tightly and _begged_ the raw energy to flow through his body. He pulled it towards him, opening himself up, and willed himself to be the perfect pathway.

It immediately filled him, and it _burned._  
  
He did not know how much he could endure. He was not even sure if one more body would make any difference.  
  
But he never found out.

Thor had followed him, dropping his weapon in his haste to grab Loki’s arm. For an instant he thought Thor was trying to stop him but instead of pulling him back, Thor just tightened his grip. The flow of the stones’ energy ran right through him to Thor.  
  
In an instant the others were there, all holding onto either Stark or himself or Thor, and the cluster of hands and expressions of pain and gritted teeth would have been comical if Loki were not himself drowning in the sensation of _burning_.

It was all he could do not to let go of Stark.

Please, he thought, _please_.

It could not have lasted more than a few minutes, but it felt much longer. As the pain subsided, he opened his eyes to find someone had managed to pull off Stark’s gauntlet and dropped it to the ground, the stones glowing steadily.  
  
All around them there was still sounds of battle. One of the beasts charged at them and was blocked at the last second by some Midgardian warrior.

Others around them were taking up arms to fight off what remained of the leaderless army. Loki struggled to clear his vision to check on Stark, afraid of what he might see.

From the right side of Stark’s face all the way down to his arm was ugly charred black skin. Loki leaned in close, not caring to hide the panic in his voice.  
  
“Stark?”  
  
The mortal’s eyes focused on Loki and after a breathless moment, his lips tugged into a lopsided smile.  
  
“Hey, Lokes,” he whispered.

“Just- don’t move-” Loki’s voice sounded all wrong in his own ears. Too much sentiment. Too weak.  
  
“He needs medical attention _now_ ,” someone said and then hands were lifting Stark up.  
  
Loki pushed down the urge to hold onto Stark and watched them transport him to their medical facility. Wakanda, someone said.

He followed in a daze until an armored figure stood in his way. Stark’s lover, no, his former lover. Pepper. Stark mentioned her a lot when he was drunk, the end of their relationship being a sharp reminder of his failure as a human being. She seemed angry, or scared. It was hard to tell when all he could think about was Stark being carried away, that he might be losing him. Her lips were moving but he could not register the words.

Loki pulled a veil of invisibility over himself and sidestepped her.

He watched Stark being pushed into a pristine white room and wished he had studied healing arts more closely instead of following his own whims or trying to impress Odin.  
  
The doors remained closed for hours.

Loki had projected himself into the room several times to watch. Stark was barely hanging on with the damage. Mortals were not meant to wield such power.

The healers had not removed the nanoparticle container attached to Stark’s chest. It was emitting some sort of protective field over his heart so they left it alone. He watched as lights danced within the device.

He had never meant to let someone like Stark into his heart.

Really, it was all Thor’s fault. In the beginning when Stark visited New Asgard for one Avengers business or another, Thor would ask him to stay and drink with him (Thor asked everyone that.) Stark almost never refused, and they would proceed to waste the rest of the day away refilling each other’s cup.

Loki had quietly slipped into their drunken conversation, hoping to pick up some potentially useful information. The man turned out to be even more talkative when inebriated. Apparently he had not fared so well the last few years.

Even with booze-hazed eyes and soft, slurred words, Stark was an entertaining talker. They started having drinks together, just the two of them, when the mortal came by the area. After a while, he was unsure if Stark even had any official business or if he just wished to get away and drink with someone who was mildly amused by his pitiful state instead of trying to offer words of comfort.

During one of those nights, Stark was in a particularly sullen mood and Loki was bored. They slipped their hands under each other’s clothes, seeking release in each other’s body. It was quick. It was convenient. It did not mean anything.

In fact, Loki was sure the other man kept coming back precisely because Loki did not care, would not bother to ask after his wellbeing, would not blink if he drank himself to oblivion.

He could not pinpoint the exact moment things changed. It had been so gradual that he did not see it until it was too late.

Stark was only a mortal. A mortal who did not even reciprocate Loki’s feelings. He would be gone in the blink of an eye. Today, tomorrow, next year. What difference would it make to delay the inevitable for a few decades?

He knew. He _knew_ all this.

He returned his astral form to his body hidden in an inconspicuous corner of the area outside the healing room. He hated all of this. How desperate for companionship had he been to let Stark into his heart in such a way?

He could move past this. He _would_ move past this. He would not fall into despair because of a mortal man.

It was not until sounds of commotion drew him awake that he realized he had fallen asleep. His whole body was stiff and uncomfortable in his sitting position. He might be invisible, but it was still a foolish thing to fall asleep in an unfamiliar environment like he had.

A dark-skinned Midgardian woman had emerged from the healing room and was speaking to those who had been waiting outside anxiously for news.

She was smiling brightly through her exhaustion and that was when Loki knew.

Stark would live.

He sank back down and buried his face in hands, grateful no one could see the state he was in right now.

* * *

Stark remained unconscious for three days. His condition was improving much better than they anticipated. Something had accelerated his body’s healing and they thought it might be related to remnant energy of the infinity stones detected in his nanoparticle housing unit.

Stark’s friends and shield-brothers had come and gone several times, still busy dealing with the aftermath of the battle and the reversal of Thanos' snap. Loki had stayed invisible and mostly undetectable in the facility Stark was in when Thor showed up. One look at his brother’s face was enough for him to decide to show himself before Thor started yelling his name.

It only took a bit of convincing for Thor to accept the reason for Loki being here was out of genuine concern as a friend. Thor had seen him trying to save Stark with his own eyes after all. The others were not as keen to believe Loki’s intent, but no one outright tried to get rid of him, probably because they knew it would be pointless to try and keep the trickster out.

Still, he made sure to be discreet when he slipped into Stark’s room, not wanting to deal with Stark’s overprotective friends.

Loki happened to be sitting in a chair beside Stark's bed, staring at the same page of the book in his hand for the last fifteen minutes, when he heard the mortal stirred.

“What happened,” the mortal’s voice came out a croak.

"What happened was you almost died." He paused to try to keep the concern out of his next question. "How do you feel?” He was unsure how successful he was. Stark was quite a sight with bandages wrapped all around his injured arm and up the side of his face.

“Weird. And thirsty.”

Loki immediately conjured a glass of water. He paused when he realized Stark was probably still too weakened to hold it. He flicked his gaze to him, uncertain on what to do.  
  
“Pretty sure I’m gonna drop that,” the other man said dryly when Loki kept holding the glass awkwardly between them.  
  
Loki sighed and pressed the glass gently to Stark’s mouth. The mortal shot Loki an unreadable look before taking a sip.  
  
The whole thing felt surreal, and intimate, much more intimate than anything they had ever done on or off the bed, and they had done quite a lot.  
  
When Stark finished drinking the water, silence filled the room.

“So umm, I guess I owe you my life… unless I hallucinated the whole thing where you grabbed my arm and-”

“-I was not thinking clearly at the time,” Loki interrupted stiffly, looking away.

He continued, trying to change the subject. “And apparently neither were you. Thanos was formidable, but he hardly warranted using all six stones _and_ forfeiting your life.”

He felt Stark’s gaze staying on him for a moment before dropping away.

“... I _was_ going to kill them all. Not just Thanos,” he muttered. There was something in his tone that Loki could not quite place.  
  
“Why didn’t you then?” He did not particularly care one way or another as long as Thanos was dead. Killing his army would have made things much easier, and that was what Loki probably would have done in Stark’s position. Then again, it also might have generated a far greater power surge from the stones. It might have been too much to survive-

“-because I saw you,” Stark said with an expression that was hard to read.

Loki stared. “What?”  
  
The mortal shifted uncomfortably before he spoke again. “When I was there, and I saw you coming toward me, I just thought that...what if, just what if, somewhere among these aliens, there was someone like you?”

“Someone like me?” Loki asked, keeping his expression neutral.

“People _can_ change. You’ve shown me that.”

Loki’s gaze landed on his hands. Had he changed?

“I would never have thought it possible back when you invaded New York. So how could I be sure now that everyone behind the enemy line was just some mindless monster?” He missed the way Loki flinched at the word ‘monster’ and continued. “I just hated the idea that what I did back then- when I threw the nuke at the giant spaceship - that I could’ve killed you and not cared. And I know it sounds stupid. Fuck, it’s probably stupid. But at that moment I-“ He exhaled tiredly. “-I just couldn’t do it again. I couldn’t kill them all.”

Loki was quiet for a moment. “Have you gone mad? There is no room for mercy on a battlefield. People die for far less.” An anger he did not quite understand seeped into his voice.

“No, I know. Of course I know. I’m just not sure I want to massacre-”

But Loki did not care to debate on the finer points of morality. All he knew was Stark’s words had dredged up a myriad of emotions in him, and anger was the easiest to focus on.

And he _was_ angry.

Angry at Stark for making him sick with worry, making him weak.

Angry at him for suggesting Loki was deserving of mercy.

“Do not be mistaken, Stark. I am as much a monster as the rest of them.”

Stark’s eyes widened. A part of Loki knew he should stop talking, but he could not.

“Had you killed me back then, thousands of lives would have been spared. Asgard would have been spared. So do not use _me_ as the excuse for your sentiments. Quite the contrary, I am the living proof that monsters should all be slain.”

He all but spat out the last part before he rose from the chair, having no desire to see the shock in Stark’s face turning to disgust.

“Loki, wait-” The mortal had seemingly forgotten his injuries in his haste to sit up and attempt to get off the bed. He immediately gasped in pain and lost his balance.

Loki instinctively moved to catch him before he fell over. Stark’s head ended up pressing against Loki’s midsection and his uninjured hand gripped Loki’s arm with more force than necessary.

“... Stark?” Loki asked cautiously, not daring to move and cause more harm.

“I’m...okay,” Stark leaned into Loki slightly more as he breathed to ease the pain. “Just give me a sec.”

“You are worse than Thor sometimes. What were you thinking?” he muttered and heard the other man give a small chuckle. The sound rumbling through where they touched made something warm flare up in Loki’s chest.

He closed his eyes briefly. His earlier anger had dissipated just as quickly as it came.

“Hey, Loki?”

“...what?”

“I don’t think you’re a monster.” Stark continued before Loki could interrupt. “Yeah, you’re kinda a jerk, but you’re not a monster. I _know_ you’re not. I’ve seen you with Thor, with your people. You hide it pretty well but you do give a shit. You care. You even saved me.”

Loki wanted to deny it but it was obvious Stark was not done. His voice was quiet, face still hidden by the angle at which he leaned against Loki.

“And I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to set you off. I know it’s ridiculous to hesitate like that. It’s just that… that moment kinda made me realize something, and I guess I was just trying to explain it and failing miserably...” He exhaled nervously.

“What I was- what I am trying to say is that you... you kinda mean a lot to me, like _a lot_ a lot.”

Loki’s breathing stopped.

Stark was admitting he _liked_ him, and he wanted _more_ than what they shared before. He had fallen quiet, waiting for Loki to tell him whether that was something he wanted too.

Loki felt his heart twisted in a mix of exhilaration and fear. He wanted to see Stark’s expression, but at the same time he was relieved Stark could not see his own.

He had given away so much already. He had shown concern. He had acted on it. He was not sure what would become of him if he went any further. There was no guarantee that this would work out. In fact, it was likely that things would not.

He swallowed. It would be easier if they just stayed as they were, sharing a certain closeness but not close enough to be able to hurt each other too terribly.

“You need to rest,” Loki said flatly, knowing it would be interpreted as a rejection.

“Right, yeah. Rest.” Stark gave a small laugh. It was hard to not hear the disappointment and resignation underneath. Guilt twinged in Loki’s gut.

Neither of them moved from their awkward position. Loki was not sure if Stark was still in pain or if he simply wanted to stay close for a bit longer. And Loki could not find it in him to push him away just yet.

Eventually he had to. As he helped him lay back down on the bed, Stark could not quite hide his grimace. Loki was not sure how much of it was from physical pain.

He sat back in his chair to the side of the bed. After some hesitation, he placed his hand lightly on Stark’s uninjured hand.

“You don’t- you don’t have to feel sorry for me,” Stark blurted out. “Really, it’s okay.” He gave a strained smile. It was a jarring sight.

Loki had seen Stark’s fake smiles before but never like this, not with barely suppressed tremors and a storm of self-loathing and pain locked behind his eyes.

It made something crack in Loki.

“Stark-”

“Nevermind. I just-”

Loki’s hand lightly cupping the side of Stark’s face made the rest of his sentence fade away. He stared at Loki wide-eyed.

“It is not pity I feel for you.” He did not wish see Stark suffer like this, not after everything.

Taking a deep breath, he leaned in and placed a soft kiss on the other man’s lips. They hardly ever kissed, and certainly not like this.

He could feel Stark’s breath hitch. When he pulled away, Stark was staring at him with so much hope and fear.

“What does that mean?” he asked tightly, his uninjured hand clenching the bed sheet.

Loki could hear his own heart drumming. He had to say it now or he would lose what little resolve he had.

He forced the words out. “It means... I am fond of you as well, inexplicably.”

It took a second for the words to sink in. When it did, it drew a surprised laugh out of Stark. A bright and beautiful sound.

A weight seemed to have lifted and suddenly the mortal looked lighter, happier than Loki remembered ever seeing. It was an odd feeling to be able to induce so much joy in someone.

Still smiling, Stark burrowed further into the bed and the motion was oddly endearing. “I knew it. I knew you liked me too much to let me die,” he said smugly.

“Midgard would have been dreadfully dull without you,” Loki replied, feeling himself smile back.

“Yeah well, I was thinking of maybe taking a vacation...” Stark’s voice trailed off with a yawn. The words made Loki pause.

“You would leave this realm?”

“Just an idea.” Stark’s brows slightly furrowed. “We’re not the old Earth anymore and we can’t just sit around and wait for the next mess to fall from the sky.”

“Are you suggesting venturing out in space in search for trouble?” Loki raised his eyebrows.

“Well, now that you put it that way, it sounds kinda stupid…,” Stark mumbled before continuing.

“The thing is Thanos’ plan left trails. Big red neon ones. We need better ways to pick up things like that. A network. We need to be able to see farther…. we need alliances-”

“You need rest first, Stark.” Loki frowned. It was ridiculous to be thinking about the next mission this soon.

Stark’s eyes stayed on him, words hovering on his lips.

“I will be here,” Loki answered, promising more than just being here now. He knew if Stark asked, he would follow, as unwise as that might be.

“Good, ‘cause I’d hate to go to space by myself.” Stark closed his eyes and sighed.

There was a glow to the mortal that softened the exhaustion lining his face. Even the nanoparticle housing device on his chest shone brighter than Loki remembered. He could feel its energy field hum against his own magic, the sensation strangely familiar.

Loki was about to examine it further when Stark spoke again in a slightly drowsy voice, his eyes only half-opened. “... you know, I think I saw Nat after I used the stones. Not sure if it was just all in my head... she told me-”

He frowned a little. “She told me I better not waste my life and make it a good one. Not sure why everyone was really insistent on this...”

Loki looked at Stark’s arm, the one that had held the powers of the universe for a brief moment. Stark was healing from injuries a mortal should not be able to recover from. His physical appearance had remained largely unchanged, but Loki had noticed his eyes now held a fresh gleam. He had an inkling what Romanov meant, but he was not sure Stark was ready to hear it.

He was about to say something when he looked up and saw Stark had drifted off to sleep. He felt an urge to kiss the man but resisted just barely, not wanting to keep him from resting.

Instead, he sat back. He found his thoughts turning to ways on how to twist whatever mission Stark had in mind into a real vacation. Stark could use some respite after the past five years. They could visit the allies of Asgard first. Vanaheim should be welcoming enough and Alfheim as well. Already Loki thought of several places he wanted to show Stark.

There was no promise that things would go smoothly, or that Stark’s affection would not fade over time, but sitting here, for the first time in a long, long time, he found himself looking forward to the future.

**Author's Note:**

> In case it wasn't clear, Tony’s shiny enhanced nanoparticle holder did in fact give him longevity of life.
> 
> Other things that totally happen:
> 
> 1\. Shuri has a backup of Vision and together she and Tony rebuild the poor guy.  
> 2\. During Tony’s and Loki’s space adventure, they accidentally find a way to bring Natasha and Gamora back with some convoluted comic book level explanation (yes, two Gamoras. Let Quill deal with that mess xD) Also Natasha gets superpowers.  
> 3\. Annnd I didn't forget Morgan. A year after the snap was reversed, Pepper, who is now happily married to somebody, gives birth to Morgan and asks Tony to be the godfather. He agrees then proceeds to spoil her rotten when he’s on Earth in between space adventures.
> 
> Thank you for reading! *hugs* I haven't written anything since forever and was a nervous wreck throughout the writing process. I would love to hear from you if you enjoyed the story in any way~


End file.
